I often work with couples who come to counseling looking for me to validate their position. I see it in couples who have been feuding, where both individuals feel they have been wronged by the other. It’s not uncommon for couples in this situation to try and top each other with who has been hurt the worst. I hear terrible stories of how people have been emotionally harmed. People can say mean and regrettable things to each other when they are angry.
I believe emotional harm is caused when partners do not understand each other. It’s the misunderstanding that usually provokes the arguments. Someone will get angry about what the other person did or didn’t do and that’s what usually gets the fight going, but it’s the feelings underneath that cause the distress.
Couples are often aware of this. I frequently hear comments like, “I don’t even remember what we are fighting about,” or “It doesn’t matter how the arguments start, they always end up the same,” and “We just get mad and then we start yelling.” Couples know it’s not the event that causes the fight. There instinct tells them it’s something deeper that get’s them going. And it always is something deeper.
What we get to do during a counseling session is break down what happens during an argument. We look at how it starts and examine what each person was feeling. It soon becomes apparent that feelings are being overlooked. People feel misunderstood, belittled, rejected, abandoned just to name a few of the feelings that can occur. We start to identify what the feelings are and then we look for reasons why they happen. These feelings feel terrible in the body. They are not bad or good, they simply are. And they are necessary. Feelings are signals that something needs attention.
Once we begin to understand what we are feeling we can then learn new ways of attending to those feelings. If one partner feels shut out every time her husband comes home and goes straight to the computer she may begin to realize that she needs something from him. She may understand that she feels left out of a connection she is longing for. She begins to see that what she really wants is the connection; to be recognized, appreciated, loved. Those are different thoughts than thinking “There he goes again, getting on the computer and ignoring me. Now I am mad.” Thinking, “I am hungry for connection,” is different than “He’s selfish and doesn’t care about me.” Both could be true, but you tell me which one is helpful in a relationship.
Our individual awareness helps us navigate and get what we want and need in a relationship. It also releases us from our expectation that our partner is supposed to make everything O.K for us. When we learn what we need, we can choose to ask for it. Then the couple can experience something deeper, better communication because each person understands what he or she needs and is able to ask the other for it.
But sometimes when the pain of miscommunication builds up over time it’s difficult for individuals to see their partners as loving or available. This is when people are stuck in their pain. There is a lot of hurt stored up and when they communicate with their partner all they feel is that hurt. The pain actually keeps us safe from further harm. Individuals stay protected by keeping their partner out, so they don’t get injured again, but they can't connect either.
When an individual hasn’t healed and is still feeling the pain I like to help him understand that he can feel more than one feeling toward his partner. I invite him to hold on to two feelings at the same time; the pain and the possibility. This concept correlates with the Chinese definition of the word “crisis”. In the Chinese language the word “crisis” is composed of two characters; one means danger, the other means opportunity. When we learn how to experience both feelings with our partners we begin to grow in a new direction with deeper understanding and connection. No relationship is without pain. Evenso, with awareness there is always the potential to grow beyond it.
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Learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com
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