Talk About It

Lean on Your Partner to make it Through the Holidays-Couples Counseling Long Beach

I don’t know anyone who is not feeling greater stress during this time of year.  Even terrific moments with people we love can cause us stress, and that’s if family and extended family are individuals we WANT to see.  It’s even more stressful if we are acting out of obligation.

Whatever your circumstances, it’s likely there will be at least a few people who drive us up a wall and cause us enormous stress.  Welcome to the holidays.  Not to mention the numerous details:  buying gifts, decorating, baking, cooking sending cards, and trying to be a loving person on top of all that.

I’m stressed just writing about it. Let’s just acknowledge it; Holidays are HARD!  And they can be much harder if you turn against the one person who is your rock 90 percent of the time, your partner.  Think right now what a good team you make during a crisis.  Now ask yourself if you are pulling your hair out and fighting more than usual with your mate?

During the rest of the year you probably lean on your partner when you feel stressed or worried or have a problem.  But something happens during the holidays and a lot of our good coping skills go right out the window.  I know mine did during Thanksgiving.

I was feeling stress and pressure regarding a family member.  But instead of talking about it with my partner I got mad at him and started a little fight.  We went to bed sulking too.  The next morning I said I was sorry and then asked if we could remind ourselves of something important.

“We are good together.  We can weather anything.  We can’t let our families and the events pull us apart.  We have to remain strong.  Together we can get through this.”  Well I didn’t say it exactly like that but that was the point I was making.  He agreed, said he was sorry, and the two of us not only sailed through the holiday but I was actually able to see him in a new light and admire his strength. 

When I watched him prepare the meal I imagined him like a duck on a pond, his feet moving as if he was swimming underwater, but his demeanor was cool and calm as ever.  When I saw his stance I felt his energy and I too knew all would be well, and it was.  We leaned on each other.  We remembered how good we are as a couple.  Why not reconsider your mate?  Reconnect and solidify your relationship before you break. 

Another tip for surviving the holidays has to do with taking stock of yourself and what you do well.  All of us do something well during this time of year.  I thought of this when I was wrapping a few gifts.  I do this way better than my partner so I always get the job.  In the past I have looked at it as just that, a job.  But this year I actually took pride in turning out some pretty packages.  I really heard his “OOhs and AAhs when I showed him too.

I liked the feedback, but I felt a lot of pride before that.  Find your pride in what you do well.  Maybe you are a wonderful baker.  Maybe you are the decorator or the cook, or the one who coordinates and drives.  Maybe you have rearranged your home to make room for guests.  You are doing something for others and there are probably some tasks and chores that you do that you are extremely good at.

Find one or more and when you perform it take a moment to appreciate yourself.  You are doing something well and it is a contribution to everyone.  You are part of something bigger than yourself and you are important.  Take stock of it.  You deserve to.

And finally one more idea to feel less stressed during the holidays.  Try some APPRECIATION.  I don’t know anyone who doesn’t enjoy feeling appreciated.  All of us crave to be valued by another.  Sharing words of appreciation express this value.  It may seem small, but the impact can be huge. 

In my practice as a couples counselor, one of the most common issues I deal with is people not knowing if they are valuable to their partner.  Don’t let the people you care about wonder if you find them valuable.  Let them know.  There are lots of opportunities, especially during this time of year.  It’s a gift to others and it may be one of the most important things you can give.

Send your comments linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

Taking Responsibility in the Relationship: Couples Counseling Long Beach

One of the hardest things I see couples struggle with is the idea that each person in the relationship is responsible for his or her own part of the problems that surround them.  It’s not uncommon for people to want to blame the other person for how they feel as if the partner did something to cause the upset.  Something bad happens and people start pointing fingers at the other person.

Many couples actually live this way for a long time; looking at their partner as if he or she is the tormentor.  When couples live with this pattern it keeps them feeling helpless to change anything in the relationship.  Each person keeps waiting for the other person to do something different to make them feel better.

It’s as if both are waiting to feel more appreciated, valued, important to their partner and loved.  But the longer they wait, the more tempting it is to blame the other person for not supplying those good feelings.  Sometimes couples will even spend the next few years building cases against each other.

You know you’ve done this if you say these kinds of things to your mate, “You did this to me so I had to do this to you.”  “You didn’t do this for me so I did this to you.”  “If you had only done this than I wouldn’t have had to do that.”  All these phrases hold the partner responsible for how you feel.  They leave the person blamed feeling helpless and the accuser feeling empty, a sad place for both.

When the relationship has turned into two separate camps, I like to encourage couples to think about a couple of things. The first has to do with intent.  What is the intent of your partner when he or she does something that makes you cross?  Do you know?  Sometimes people just assume they know what their partner intended and it’s usually not very good. I like to encourage people to find out if there is any ill will coming from the mate.  To do this all a partner has to do is ask.

It could sound something like this, “Hey, when you left those dirty socks on the bed did you do that to make me mad?”  I know this probably sounds silly, but chances are if you got mad because your mate left dirty socks on the bed you might want to find out if he or she did it on purpose just to piss you off.  If they didn’t, don’t they deserve to forget, make a mistake or just be oblivious once in a while?  Find out what they were trying to tell you, if anything, with the action before you explode. 

The second thing is understand how you impact your partner.  If you accuse him or her of doing something to harm you, you are blaming them for something.  Ask yourself what it feels like when you get blamed.  It feels terrible.  Usually we get defensive and want to argue back.  Try and put yourself in your partner’s shoes before you level the criticism.

If you say something you feel bad about, apologize.  That’s what considerate people do.  This does not make you weak.  This makes you a good person.  It also sends a message to your mate.  It tells them, “I don’t want to stay mad at you.  I want to get closer to you.”

And that’s what all couples want, closeness, connectedness, love.

Send your comments linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

Living With Frustration in Your Relationship: Long Beach Couples Counseling

Many couples I work with come in with a good amount of stress and difficulty.  The causes sometimes vary, but the behaviors people use to respond to the upset are often predictable.  People who start out loving each other sometimes find themselves so burdened by stress and difficulty they end up feeling frustrated in the relationship.

No one starts out being frustrated.  Frustration comes after being unhappy, sometimes for a long time.  Often couples with the best intentions end up not being able to explain themselves to each other, or they won’t say what they really want to say and as a result they feel tense, stressed and often times frustrated.

Frustration can appear in many ways.  It may come out as a curt answer to a question.  Maybe it’s a rolling of the eyes, or a “whatever” response to a partner or no response at all.  Frustration can also be felt when one person ignores the other altogether.

Sometimes frustration is a slammed door, or a sigh.  It’s a sign of exasperation from the frustrated person to the other telling them something is very wrong. It also broadcasts unhappiness and discontent.  And it’s a problem.  It keeps the frustrated person trapped in difficulty and leaves the other partner in the dark regarding the source of the problem.

What would be helpful is to discover how to talk about what doesn’t feel good in the relationship.  Unfortunately this is often difficult for couples who have not communicated with each other for a while.

If you find yourself answering your mate with frustrated gestures you might want to think about what is happening to you. I am sure you did not start out being unfriendly to your beloved.  I am pretty sure you used to have very soft, loving responses in the early days.  Maybe as time passed you found yourself unable to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner without worrying how he or she might react.  It’s possible you may even have started keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself, not wanting to bother your mate.  But the more you kept your thoughts and feelings inside without speaking them, the more you might have felt yourself becoming stressed and uncomfortable.

This is the body’s natural response to too much tension.  This tension is a clear message about what it feels like when you can’t express yourself and you keep your feelings inside.  You might have a sensation of all your feelings being trapped inside your own body and you can’t let them out, like you are frozen.  You keep yourself suppressed and you suffer.  At first you might be able to manage your increased stress.  Maybe you exercise more or take up an activity.  Maybe you yell at the kids instead or a co-worker.  Perhaps you overindulge; too much alcohol, drugs, or food.  You do what ever you can to find ways of letting off steam and tension.

This helps you survive difficulty and maintain, but it doesn’t help repair the problems between you and your mate.  The more you figure out how to manage your challenges, the more you might be looking at your partner with distain.  You may start to believe that he or she just doesn’t care about what you think and feel. That’s when people start with the one word answers, or the disinterest, or the shaking of the head.  These behaviors tell the other person you are not interested in them.  These reactions indicate that you are unhappy.

If you are unhappy in your relationship take stock of how you are feeling right now.  Ask yourself, “Am I stressed and unable to talk to my partner about what is bothering me?”  If you answer yes start looking at the ways you do talk to your mate.  Are you short and abrasive?  Do you dismiss him or her?  Do you just not bother because you don’t think anything will change?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you just might be living with frustration.

So how do you change your situation?  You just took the first step.  You recognized it.  From here you might want to talk to someone; a friend, family member, religious mentor or counselor.  Get your long held feelings from inside yourself, outside your head by communicating them.  Try and understand what is preventing you from talking to your mate about these feelings.  Learn why you stay silent.

You will likely feel better even after just a few sessions.  You could also learn different ways to communicate your feelings that may give you confidence.  When you leave your old behaviors; the eye rolling, sarcastic responses, non answers, and replace them with true expressions of your feelings a number of things might also happen.  Your stress and tension may decrease, and it’s possible you might even begin to experience some happiness, and that might feel pretty great.

Send you comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

 

But I Said I Was Sorry; Why Isn’t That Enough? Couples Counseling Long Beach

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this from couples during a session.  Something big happens between them, like one person cheated, the offending party apologizes but the difficulty continues and the person who said sorry wonders why.  The person who got hurt wants to feel better.  The person who has apologized becomes exasperated because he or she feels they have done everything they can.  “I said I was sorry.  What else do you want from me?”

Unfortunately this is frustrating for both people.  Each person wants to feel better, yet both feel like something is unfinished. The person who hurt the other wants to make their partner whole, but the words “I am sorry,” are just not enough.  Why not?  Why aren’t they enough?  Why isn’t just saying I am sorry for what I have done to you enough? 

If it were enough we wouldn’t be talking about what isn’t finished.  And what’s not finished is the healing that the wounded feels and continues to experience.  The person who got wounded is usually in some deep pain.  When the person who caused the hurt says “I am sorry”, that usually lifts the guilt of the person who offended, but it doesn’t begin to heal the deep pain the offense caused.  That’s why just saying “I am sorry” is not enough. 

So what would be enough?  What can couples do to really fix a gaping whole that exists between them?  The first thing I like to help couples do is understand what happened.  It’s much deeper than explaining what a person did to the other.  Often couples feel that if they talk about the problem one time, it’s all done.  Unfortunately many couples will delve into a difficult topic, talk about it once, and then both will feel the issue is settled.  But it’s not.  I know that the first conversation is crucial, but it is only a very first baby step.  That’s all, just one little tiny baby step.

Think about it.  You are wounded by your partner’s infidelity.  You are devastated and you don’t know if you can forgive and forget at this moment.  Your world is rocked and you aren’t sure if you will even be able to go on living with this person.  Now your mate sees your condition and says to you, “I am so sorry for what I have done.  I love you.  Will you forgive me?”

In a moment of feeling lost and alone you hear those words and they feel like medicine on a very hurt heart.  Your partner says he or she is sorry, that they love you, and that they want you to forgive them.  They promise they will not leave you and they deeply emphasize how truly sorry they are for hurting you.  You feel so sad and lost you just want to make everything better, like it was before you were wounded.  You want this so much you say with all the hope in the world, “Yes.  I forgive you.  I love you too.”

And for the moment you really believe you will be OK.  In that one magical moment you hope you will be able to go back to the way you were and make everything the way it was before the affair, before you knew any of this.

And everything is OK for that moment.  But that moment doesn’t last very long because in your mind the next image you have is of your partner with the other person.  You start to wonder when he or she stopped being faithful to you and became interested in another.  You start to think about times when he or she might have lied to you.  You begin to wonder about the moments you might have suspected something but you brushed it aside because you believed they would never do anything like that to you.  You knew in your heart they could never do anything like that to you. 

You live afraid that everything you know is crumbling and you don’t know what to do. You can’t move. You live in disbelief that the one who you committed yourself to has been unfaithful.  You try and bring up some of these feelings because they are eating you alive.  You try and talk to your mate but when you bring up the subject he or she gets angry and says, “I already said I was sorry.  What else can I do?”

Healing after a breach like infidelity takes time and work.  An apology is a place to start, but that is all it does; it open the door to the next process.  And that next step includes understanding what happened, for both people, and asking all the hard questions like, “Do you still want me?”

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

We Love Them Until We Don’t - Long Beach Couples Counseling

Many couples tell me how much they love their partner.  They sit on a couch in my office with their mate next to them and they profess their love.  I listen to them convince me.  Then the other person adds their voice, “I love him too.”  They are very sure of themselves as if there is nothing more truthful in the world.

I hear these pronouncements often, and then I listen to how these two people actually treat each other when they are not professing their love, and it’s not very nice. 

“He called me a @#$%”.  “She said I was (something belittling here)”.  Usually when I hear these tirades I can feel the bitterness and anger from each person.  It’s so thick you can actually feel it inside the therapy room.  I try and wade through the discontent to understand what they mean when they tell me that they love each other.

I think people believe that if they are with a person long enough, their shared history makes it love.  I think some couples convince themselves they are in love and are loved by their partner just because they have been a part of each other’s lives longer than any other relationship. 

I don’t disbelieve that couples who act like this really love each other; it’s just that I don’t think they feel very happy in the relationship treating their partner the way they do and feeling the same treatment in return.  People who are happy in their relationships generally don’t belittle or rage at each other.  It’s my experience that if people harbor resentment and anger toward their mates then that’s usually how they will communicate with them, with words full of anger and resentment.  On occasion when couples are not angry at each other they can sometimes find closeness and soft, loving words, like, “You know I love you”.  When they hear those words they are lulled into the idea that they are loved, and all will be right with the world.

It’s just a band-aid though, until the next time there’s a big blow up.  Then these couples go right back to the fighting words first, not the soft, loving ones.  Couples who live in this kind of cycle go through extremes with each other; intense hate and intense love.

Isn’t that love they ask me?  Sure I say, it’s some kind of love, but my question to each person is, are you happy?  Are you happy in your life?  Are you happy with your mate?  Do you feel good?  Do you believe your relationship is good?  Do you feel supported?  Do you feel appreciated?  Are you treated with kindness?  How do you treat your partner?  Do you support him or her?  Are you treating him or her with kindness?

The answers to these questions will tell me a lot more about whether there is love than the words “Of course I love him” or “She knows I love her.”

Anyone can say the words “I love you”.  We all know that isn’t enough.  It isn’t enough to help us feel nurtured and whole in our life.  What’s needed is deep consideration for the other person and an unshakable faith in knowing that making your partner happy will be the best effort you can ever make.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

Always Wearing a Happy Face: Couples Counseling Long Beach

Every one in a relationship wants to feel loved by their partner.  To feel loved, many individuals will put on a happy face and maintain a persona that everything is fine, even when it isn’t.  Often people are so good at acting like they are happy that the partner has no idea anything could be wrong.

Unfortunately, if you are projecting a happy demeanor when communicating with your partner, you may feel stuck in one place and very much alone.  That’s because a lot of other feelings; sad, disappointed, mad, irritated, frustrated, fed up, discouraged, disheartened, worried, nervous, unsafe etc. NEVER GET EXPRESSED. 

You may be an expert at delivering the happy feelings, but mum on anything else. If you always show a good face to your mate, how can you maintain that happy face when expressing sadness?  You can’t. So, no unhappy face ever gets shown to the partner.  Nope, just pretend everything is OK, always.

Oh, distressful feelings are felt, but the person experiencing them doesn’t share them, and the partner never hears them.  This leads both people feeling disconnected in the relationship.  He doesn’t know what’s going on with her; she doesn’t know what’s going on with him.  Both feel apart from the other.  The one who doesn’t share feelings might begin to think their partner just doesn’t understand them.  The partner who is left in the dark might start to feel unimportant to his mate.  Usually they can sense that their partner is withholding something, and they might even inquire, and it might sound something like this; “Is everything all right?”  “Are you OK?”  “Is anything wrong?” 

The answer is probably always the same, and it’s likely that it’s a denial that sounds something like, “No, everything is fine.”  Oh, there definitely is something wrong, but the person who always shows a sunny disposition hasn’t a clue on how to tell the partner what it is.  Part of the reason is because he or she isn’t quite sure how to explain it.  All they know is that they feel something like emptiness, or not feeling loved, or not being understood, or longing for something more.  It’s usually a mixture of feelings that don’t have words attached to it. But the person feels it.  It’s heavy and lives in the pit of the stomach and doesn’t go away.

This partner might even be able to talk about his or her feelings with another person.  They might be able to explain these feelings in great detail.  “I feel so alone.”  “He or she just doesn’t understand me.”  And while they come easily pouring out to someone else they can’t fathom how to share them with their partner.  No, they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. They are sure they are unhappy, but they can’t figure out what to do about it.

As a couples counselor I see this situation often.  Both people will eventually feel that the relationship is on the brink of breaking and then the couple will make an appointment to see someone like me.  Both are stuck in some sort of misery and they are hoping I can figure it out and help get them back on track.  That’s the best case scenario.  Sometimes though, a couple has been feeling so distant from each other in the relationship for such a long time that one of the partners may have already moved on to another person. Therapy at this stage requires a whole different level of understanding and repair.

This is what I know about couples counseling:  If a couple is willing, there’s always room to learn more about yourself and your partner in a relationship.  There’s always a way to understand your own behavior and see how it affects your mate.  There’s always room to try something new, to risk showing your feelings and not holding them inside.  Sometimes couples are able to change how they relate to each other and improve their relationship, making it something better than either ever dreamed. 

It’s possible to build something true for each of you.  It’s possible to create a safe place for you both to show all your parts, not just the happy ones.  This creates true depth between two people, something that all couples are looking for.

Couples Counseling: Long Beach - When One Partner Bullies The Other

When we think of a bully we might be reminded of a big kid from school who used his or her size to intimidate others.  Maybe we have an image from some television show or movie of a hulking being pushing others around.  As a couples counselor I can tell you bullies come in all shapes and sizes.  They can be demur women and they can be medium sized men.  They can be kind in their presentation and underneath they can be steaming with anger and come out harsh.  Whatever their shape, they all have at least one thing in common… they are abusive to their mate.

So what kind of abuse are we talking about?  We all know about physical abuse.  I’m talking about emotional abuse, the kind that messes with a person’s head, and the kind that leaves the mate wondering if they are loved or hated.  Often it’s subtle and hard to point out.  Even so, it’s felt by the person who receives it and it feels terrible, oppressive.

When I witness this behavior in a session the first indication I get is usually a tightening in my stomach.  I often experience the feeling of what is happening between the couple.  The one who does the bullying is either explaining something to me or to the mate and it comes across with heaviness and a frustration so thick it sucks the air out of the room.  It can sound like belittling, berating or contempt.  It’s not about the words although they can be harsh too.  It’s more often indicated by the tone.  

I’ve listened to couples where one partner is so resentful to the mate it makes my skin crawl.  When I inquire about the presentation, it’s not uncommon for the person to look at me as if I have two heads.  What am I talking about, they wonder?  Of course they love their mate, they profess.  Yet each time I hear them speak to their partner it’s loaded with venom. 

The person receiving the hit is often frustrated and exasperated. When I experience a couple with this dynamic it’s very hard for me to feel neutral.  This I know is not the best form of therapy, as I could become biased. I pick up on the recipient’s grief and despair and I just want their pain to stop.  I have to remind myself that the person who is upset, the one who does the bullying, is most likely mad for a reason. 

I try to see if I can find a soft side in the aggressor.  I look to see if the mad one has any sympathy or compassion for the partner.  If I can find some compassion or empathy, then I feel I can help the couple.  If I feel a stonewalling from the aggressor, I know he or she may not be ready to look at him or herself.  They are not able to do the processing or observing necessary to begin understanding the affect of their behavior on the other in order to begin healing the rift in the marriage or relationship.  

If a person exhibiting anger toward a partner cannot see what they are doing and how it impacts the mate, in my opinion the couple is in danger of breaking.  Often times the examination process alone is too threatening or difficult though, and as a result the couple will leave counseling before we can begin to repair. 

There are many reasons why people resort to abusive behavior.  The most common may be because the angry person does not feel heard, understood and valued.  These are feelings everyone wants to experience in a relationship.  When partners feel understood and valued by their mates they usually feel good in the relationship.  When this does not occur people feel sad and sometimes they get angry.  It’s the anger that turns people against their mate and that’s often when the bullying can begin.

Angry people want their mate to be different.  They want them to change so they can feel better.  This is a young person’s idea of how to fix a relationship, not a mature view with two people listening and understanding the other as well as themselves. 

I feel bad when I can not help a couple with this kind of distress. It is my hope that they will find their way.  And then I remind myself of the many couples that enter into counseling ready to understand how their behavior impacts their partner.  We walk through the difficulties together gaining new insight and understanding.  This process leads to feeling better in the relationship or marriage.  This work leads to a couple’s health, and that’s where happy couples thrive.

Contact Linda at linda@lindanusbaum.com

www.lindanusbaum.com

Long Beach Couples Counseling - When One Person Is Unfaithful

Can a couple survive an affair?  I get this question a lot as a marriage and family therapist.  I’d like to say yes, but that is not always the case.  And yet, sometimes yes is absolutely the right answer.  Couples can survive an affair; an affair of the heart, an affair of the flesh, and an internet or phone affair.  Not all couples survive.  Sometimes there’s just too much pain to overcome.

But for others, two people sometimes find a way to move closer together.  They don’t ever put things back the way they were.  How can it ever be the way it was after one person finds interest in another outside the relationship?  A couple can’t go back to a place of innocence where true love blossomed and each believed in fidelity for ever and ever.  Something is irrevocably broken.

In many cases when an affair is discovered the person who finds out becomes devastated.  Often the first response is anger and disbelief.  How can this happen?  How can this be?  It’s almost unforgivable.  How could their partner have lied to them? 

It’s also possible the person who finds out begins to worry what they might have done to create a situation where the other one left.  They also might wonder how they just didn’t know what was happening.  Often they feel stupid and duped, foolish and embarrassed. 

If the other person is remorseful and wants to keep the relationship together he or she probably feels terrible seeing the pain they have caused their partner.  This guilt and shame can cause this mate to spin out of control.

Both are hit with something that feels like an explosion in their house.  They used to rely on things being a certain way.  Now everything is turned upside down and nothing is familiar.  What does a couple do when their world has been rocked with an affair?  Couples counseling can be a good place to start.  First it helps to have an objective individual listen to each person.  Chances are there have been a lot of conversations, and lots of tears and heartfelt apologies and promises.  Even so this is not enough to mend the damage.  That’s why a trained counselor is probably needed.

The first session is usually about figuring out what foot to put in front of the other.  Both people are in such a state of shock and the marriage or relationship has just imploded.  Slowly each person will unload what he or she has been feeling.  This is very helpful as many deep feelings get stirred up in this kind of crisis.  It’s helpful to talk about what one is feeling.  When you are guided by a trained professional you might even feel better.  That’s the first step.

What happens next is up to the individual couple.  Each person will have to decide what they want to do.  What would be right for them?  Sometimes both want to work on mending the relationship or marriage.  Sometimes one doesn’t know if he or she can.  This can also be explored in counseling.

If a couple decides to stay together this type of crisis often makes way for deeper understanding and compassion.  Couples learn to move more openly into their emotions and say a lot of the things they have kept hidden from their mate.  This allows a stronger relationship to emerge.  It’s possible to even heal from deep wounds.  It’s possible to build something better and become even stronger.

Interested in free counseling?  If you are dealing with infidelity in your marriage you may qualify.  Send me an email linda@lindanusbaum.com

Long Beach Couples Therapy - Help With Communication Issues

What Do We Do When We Don’t Speak The Same Language? 

This is not a post about people speaking two different languages such as English and Spanish.  This is a story about couples that talk to each other but it feels as if they just don’t speak the same language; they talk but they can’t hear each other, as if both are speaking in a foreign dialect. Couples who fall into this category try to communicate but usually end up giving up because it gets too frustrating.  Both people want to get their points across but it’s so difficult many couples just stop trying.

This is more common than you might think. I often see couples come into my office for counseling; they will look at me as if I am a translator and can help them decipher their partner and help them understand each other.  They both hope that I can bridge the gap that’s been keeping them separate, sometimes for a long time.

Most couples in this predicament have spent a lot of time trying to fix the problem.  They’ve also probably grown tired of trying because they each feel as if they already know what the other person is going to say and they just don’t want to hear it.  In this case they often just stop talking to them.  These couples are at an impasse, and that’s not uncommon either.

Each person had needs that have not been met.  They each want to convey something to the other person, only they don’t know how.  They have been trying to accomplish this, maybe for years and they are so tired of trying they have just given up and accepted that this is how they are going to feel in the relationship… frustrated, disappointed, discouraged.

When people have been living with this situation for a long period of time it’s not uncommon for one or the other to say, “It’s not working.”  The truth is; it’s not.  This relationship is not working in terms of two people feeling good about it and each other.  That’s why counseling can be helpful.  As a marriage and family therapist in private practice in Long Beach, California I am able to hear what’s missing.  I can understand what a conversation would sound like if the couple was having one where each got his and her point across and could be heard.

When I meet with a couple in this kind of situation I start by asking each to tell me about their life.  As a third party I have no trouble hearing each as individuals.  I gather information and then I help them decode what they can’t seem to hear or understand about the other.  Since I am not invested in the outcome of what I am hearing I can easily investigate what one person is trying to say to the other.  Sometimes it sounds like, “He never listens to me,” or “She always nags me.”

These complaints are loaded with emotions.  It’s not just the words I am interested in; it’s what feelings accompany the discomfort.   I often can hear what is missing, which usually encompasses longing or attention.  When she says “He never listens”, I hear a longing to feel valued.  When he says “She always nags”, I hear “I feel invisible.”  Some of what’s not being said could sound like this, the wife wants to be heard when she tells her husband about something. The husband wants the wife to understand that he doesn’t feel appreciated.  It’s very frustrating to live in a relationship where you don’t feel your partner values or appreciates you.  These are important aspects of a good partnership.

 Couples that find themselves in this sort of struggle are in need of new ways to communicate to get their points across.  To achieve this, each person has to do some internal work to learn what they need.  When each person knows what he or she needs they can then ask for it from the other person – instead of just being upset because they are not getting it.  No more expecting from the partner, no more disappointment and loneliness either.  Just two people relating openly and honestly about how they feel and what they would like.

When couples do this, then they get true communication, where each person can be heard.  And that’s a whole lot easier than speaking a foreign language.

Call for a free pnone consultation with Linda (562) 293-1737

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com 

Visit her website www.lindanusbaum.com

What If There’s a BIG Blowup? What Do You Do Then?

All of us get mad at our mates. Even therapists get mad at their partners. I did last week and it was a big one. You might even call it a tantrum. Yes, I had a tantrum. I was pretty sure my reasons were valid for having this blowup. I was very convinced that my mate was hurting me intentionally with a particular situation so I had all the right in the world to get mad.

 

Well this is what I think I was thinking when I was winding up. I had just learned that my husband was going to be working all weekend. I had been thinking about a nice relaxing Sunday with him, knowing that he always works Saturdays. But NO, he informs me Friday afternoon that he has to work Sunday.

 

I see that relaxing day with him I had been looking forward to evaporate and I get scared, I think. I feel alone, small and like no one cares, or something like that. But what ever I am feeling the next words out of my mouth are, "I'm really mad about this!" Then I ask him to come into the kitchen where I'm mixing a protein drink. I tell him I want to talk about this because I'm really mad. He wants to leave but I ask him to stay and then I start to rant. "It's not fair. I'm not going to see you all weekend." He reminds me that he has to work an occasional Sunday.

 

I know this but I feel like I've been blindsided without any warning so I continue in a high pitched angry, accusatory voice. "I don't care. I am just mad that I won't be with you." This conversation goes nowhere and he retreats to the den. I calm down a little until I realize that he is also gone this evening for work, so he's gone Friday night, Saturday and Sunday during the day. When I remember this I get going all over again. "And I just remembered you are working tonight," I scream.

 

Now I am really mad. I even go into the den to make my point more dramatically.

I head back to the kitchen where I am fuming as I continue to mix my drink. It comes in one of those shakers that you drink out of so I start to shake it and in a blink of an eye it spurts out and I am covered all over with a thick brown goo, all over my nice "professional therapy" clothes. Then I shriek like there is no tomorrow. I am complaining about the mess in a high-pitched yell. Then I get mad because my husband didn't come in to see what was wrong.

 

I storm upstairs to change my clothes saying to him, "Why didn't you come in to see what happened? I spilled the drink all over myself." I throw off my drink-covered clothes and leave them in a pile on the floor. I change into something else and I head downstairs. I glance into the kitchen and there is my husband cleaning up the mess. I am still mad, at this point even though I'm not sure at what and I announce to him, "Just throw the drink away. I don't want it anymore." And with that I exit the house and head to work.

 

I calm down because I have to get back into work mode. I have a break and I head home to get something to eat. I know my husband has gone to work. I open the den door and there, on top of the table is a beautiful bouquet of flowers, with a note that reads, "I want to be with you always." The you is underlined. I feel loved and ashamed in the same moment. I feel like a silly little girl who just didn't get her way so she made a big old fuss. I call him and say, "Thank you so much for the flowers. I am so sorry I was a child who had a tantrum." He says, "Yeah you really had a big tantrum, especially when you spilled the drink." He asks if he can call me back because he's busy and I say I will be busy too, not necessary. Then I ask him this, "Are we good?" He says, "Yeah, we're good."

 

I tell this story to a colleague and she says you should get him something too. After leaving work I stop at the store and get him a card and a little trinket, making sure he sees them first thing when he comes home tonight from work.

 

The next morning I check to see if there is any residue. Nope, just us. Do I feel good about what I did? No, I feel silly. Did it kill us and make us hate each other? No, just the opposite. He found out how important he is to me, I found out how important I am to him. We just had to wade through some muck for this beautiful wisdom.

 

I haven't raged in years. I can't say it felt good. It just was. No one is perfect. We are all just human. I hope I don't rage again for many, many years. But even if I do, I know there is always something I can do about it. I can repair. So can you.

 

learn more about Linda at www.lindanusbaum.com

send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

He Won’t Talk To Me; She Won’t Stop Talking To Me. When Couples Can’t Communicate.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me about her husband and how he doesn’t really communicate with her.  She says she has resigned herself to just telling him what she thinks because she says she has just grown tired of asking him to talk about difficult subjects and watching him stay mute and not say anything.  It’s not a great scenario, but for the moment it works, somewhat.  I believe this is a problem that many couples live with.

Understanding the Problem

As a couples specialist I like to look at what each person wants and needs in a relationship in order for me to understand what they are not getting and why it has become so difficult to communicate.  The first thing I like to help couples understand is that both people want something from the other.  It usually includes some mixture of the following: feeling valued, appreciated, and understood.

It doesn’t matter if you are the female, or the male or a couple of same sex.  This is the core of what every person in a relationship wants to feel with their partner; valued, appreciated and understood.

Does Gender Play a Role?

I believe it does.  I think as individuals we are made up of a lot of parts. Sometimes these traits can be in both sexes but generally speaking in my experience this is the breakdown.  

As females most of us feel energized when we are able to talk to others about things important to us. We get ideas about solving issues and we feel heard and supported.  It’s absolutely the best thing we can do for ourselves when we are having difficulty with a problem and need to find a solution.  We talk to others.  This is not only helpful, it’s enriching to us.

Men have wonderful skills to understand problems and issues and most of them do this inside their heads.  They explode with ideas and new thoughts and problem solve faster than you can say “fix it.”  This is a natural fit for most men.  That’s why when most men see women crying the first thing they want to do is fix her.  This is in their nature, to solve your difficulties.  But ask them to mull something over, or discuss the nuances of a dilemma and you might likely find them freezing up and disengaging.  That’s just easier and more comfortable.

How to Get Unstuck

So let’s say you and your partner find yourselves in this situation.  You are the talker and he is the silent one, or vice versa.  You have both staked out your positions and each of you is waiting for the other to do something.  This is a standoff, where a lot of couples live.  Someone has to make a move to become unstuck.  Maybe you can agree on one thing, like you both just want to feel better.  If each of you takes just one step toward helping the relationship there’s hope.

What to Do

Develop awareness that you are different than your mate.  Investigate what your partner needs to feel understood.  Why not just ask them?  You may discover that they appreciate it when you do something particular.  This is how we attune to our mate and give them what makes them feel good.  Beyond anything else this is the key to a good relationship.  Knowing what makes your partner happy.  If both of you know this and you provide it to the other you will live a happy life.  And that’s what all couples want.

Send your comments to linda@lindanusbaum.com

Check out Linda's website www.lindanusbaum.com